If you’ve spent any time in organizations you’ll have found that some people can be more difficult to work with than others. You may have noticed that the most difficult people to work with are either too similar to you or too different than you. Usually, it works out that the people are more of the latter than the former, however, it is possible that when people are too alike they may also be in conflict. In the course of my career, I have discovered a few helpful tips, tricks, and techniques that may help in working with people (even those that are more difficult). With these techniques I think that you will be better equipped and prepared to work with people around you that are difficult to deal with:
- Think from their perspective
- Ask discovery questions
- Actively listen
- Set a baseline
- Use clear and similar language
Think from their perspective
It doesn’t matter who you are, you only have your perspective to look through. Hopefully, you have relationships with others that are strong enough, close enough, and have a healthy level of trust to be able to withstand some “trial and error” as you get a sense of their perspective. These close relationships can act as an analogy for not-so-close relationships (colleagues, cross-functional teammates, etc.) which will help you build an understanding from others’ perspectives in other contexts. The principle is simple but hard and that is: think from their perspective. No matter who you are talking to, think from their perspective, try to understand what their goals and objectives are, what their workload is like, what their experience or background is, and how they might be feeling during this time. Once you can understand some of these aspects of their perspective you can communicate with them and interact with them in a way that is most conducive to trust, understanding, and open communication. If the person you’re speaking with is above you, think of the pressures they may be facing from their superiors and organizational leaders. These pressures could be influencing the way they are thinking and feeling and their words and actions may not be as kind, soft, or understanding as you would expect. When you understand the pressures that the person is under then you can tailor your relationship with them to what is important to them. Think also about what they value, if the person you’re dealing with values results, then tailor your conversations with them to results (what you need from them to get results, what you can do to drive results, what is hindering results, etc.). If the person you’re dealing with values relationships, then tailor your communication to the relationship pieces, talk about the relationship you have with them, the relationship you mutually have with another person and talk about how these relationships interact with what you need. Think of the values of the person you’re working with and frame your needs and objectives through the values of the other person.
Ask discovery questions
You may be thinking at this point, how am I to get the perspective of other people. You may also be thinking that you don’t want to understand the perspective of someone that you dislike. This can be a challenge (mostly to the ego), however, when you can work with some of these difficult people better it will actually make it easier to work with these people. The way to get these insights is to ask discovery questions. These discovery questions can look a few different ways, however, they all have 1 thing in common. Ask open-ended questions, that have no expected answer, listen to the answer, and use that answer to understand their context and perspective. Asking the question “how are you doing?” opposed to “are you doing well?”, the second question has either a “yes” or a “no” response. The first question, although it usually is answered with “fine thank you”, opens the opportunity for the person you’re speaking with to respond to you with a more thoughtful response. Asking questions that start with “why” and “how”, usually are the most open questions, try to frame all of your questions in such a way that the answer may surprise you. Be sure not to “badger the witness” as it were, when you’re asking questions, keep the questions fairly light and give the person a chance to respond after asking them. When hearing the answers to these questions, be sure to acknowledge their experience, sympathize with them, and wherever possible focus on agreement opposed to disagreement. These questions can help you understand other people better and in so doing build deeper closer relationships. Asking discovery questions will help you get a sense of what is happening in the life of the other person and listening carefully can help you to respond better to their situation.
Actively listen
I’m sure you’ve been in a situation where people start to zone out when you speak. It’s possible that you aren’t a rambler like I am, and you have perfectly succinct conversations that keep everyone engaged, but more-than-likely, people have zoned out on you. Its never fun to be in a conversation where the other person stops listening to what you have to say, so don’t be that to someone else. When they are speaking (no matter what it’s about) actively listen to the other person. This means that you’re listening for discovery and information rather than listening to respond. When you’re listening there are a few key things to listen for. You should be listening to what they ARE saying, this means the actual words that are coming out of their mouth. You should be hearing how they are talking about what they are saying, does their voice get louder when talking about certain things, do their eyes get wide when talking about certain things, do they have a smile or laugh when talking about certain things. These are ways to listen to people to understand as opposed to listening to respond, its about them and not about you. It’s also important to listen to what they ARE NOT saying. This means that the person may omit certain facts, thoughts, or events. They may decide to omit more personal language (I felt or I saw), this may indicate that what they are talking about is not very personal to them. They may omit certain details such as what people were wearing or how they were speaking. What someone omits from conversation can be as telling as what they include. Be sure to think about this when you’re speaking to them. Lastly, be careful about inferring meaning from things where meaning is not intended, listen carefully and use what they are saying as a way to understand them better.
Set a baseline
This one can be tricky, but it can also be very useful. As I mentioned in the first section, you will likely have a few people in your life that are different than you. Although they are different than you, they may be similar to other people you have to work with. It can be a helpful tool to use people you are already familiar with as a “baseline” to understand a new person. Let me be clear, this is not saying that there are only a few different types of people in the world. I’m also not saying that you have already met at least one of every different type of person. What I am saying is that the people you do meet may have some things in common with people you already know, to bridge the gap between you and them more quickly, you can find someone you already know that is like the other person and frame what you’re saying in a manner that they would respond well to. Over time, however, you should be reframing this person so that they have their own place in your mind and in your understanding so that you can categorize their behaviour unique to them. To give an example, suppose you have a sibling that is similar to a new colleague at work. You may not know much about the new colleague but there are some aspects about them that remind you of your sibling, you can start your conversations in such a way that your sibling would respond well to. Over time, as you build a relationship with this new colleague, use the other techniques in this post to understand the other person’s perspective and frame that person differently in your mind.
Use clear and similar language
Most of the time, difficult people are difficult to work with because both of you are speaking a “different language”. I’ve observed numerous times where two people are in a conversation (or more accurately an argument) whereby they are saying the same thing but using different words. This is an important observation, as, the person that is difficult to work with may turn out to be your greatest ally in the workplace. Until you can get on the same page as the person, you will never be able to realize that potential. This is why its important to use similar and clear language. The first thing to do is avoid using “thing”, “stuff”, and general references that do not identify specifically what you’re referring to. Think of it this way, if you were to say “I hate the red Ferrari in the parking lot” and the other person were to say “I love the red Ferrari in the parking lot”, the two of you may be disagreeing but referring to 2 different cars. It’s possible that there are 2 red Ferrari’s in the parking lot, one at the back of the parking lot near where you park that is old and rusting and not well cared for, while your colleague is referring to the shiny brand-new Ferrari near where your colleague parks. By identifying the unique characteristics of the car you could quickly identify that you and this other person both love the same car, but by being non-descript you are disagreeing over unlike terms. Try, also, to avoid referring to people as he, she, or they instead refer to them by name “then Sam said…” or “then Cori said…”. This way as you’re speaking the person will be using less mental energy to identify who you’re referring to and be able to focus more on what you’re trying to say which will reduce confusion. When you do speak, using the same language as the other person, you will help them to feel understood by you. This will show that you care about them and what they are saying so they will be more receptive to you and cause you less difficulty.
These are hard lessons to learn, but by implementing what’s said here I believe you’ll be able to work better with others in your organization and your life. In the long run, you will have greater relationships and be able to get along with your colleagues better. This will mean more opportunities for you in the short and long term, this will mean you will develop more allies in the workplace, and you will be able to accomplish your tasks, goals, and objectives a lot better.